A Craptastic Bike with Useless Ornamentation and a Silver Lining

Do you notice anything interesting about this bike? Look hard.

Cheap Bike with Fake Suspension

So it wasn’t all that hard, was it?

I came across this image over the weekend, but it was a version with the useless rear suspension circled. I suspect that the front suspension is ornamental as well. I went looking for the original image, and for a Website where one could purchase this piece of junk — fully expecting that Website to be Walmart.

I eventually found a Brazilian site selling this bike. But in my search, I found many Web sites, blogs, Facebook pages, etc. ridiculing this bike. Notably, yourbikehatesyou, the Facebook page and a blog written by a bike mechanic with a disdain for the ignoramuses he must suffer in order to earn his living.

And, I admit, my initial instincts were to pile on the ridicule. Which is what I did. I imagined a cynical marketing executive on the phone to his Chinese manufacturer:

Our research indicates that 9% of consumers don’t really need suspension, they just want a cheap bike that looks like it has suspension.

But out of some reflective corner of my ridiculing mind, I suddenly saw a bright side to this.

Think about all of those classic bikes that had pretend gas tanks on the top tube —  as well as new cruiser bikes fishing for a retro look.

That’s right, Honey, I’m tanked! | Photo: Schwinn Cruisers

Think about those old Mattel toys with the “V-rroom” engine:

I had a Mattel X-15 trike integrated with one of those noisemakers, by the way.

This is me:

Ted with Mattel X-15 trike
And I only became more adorable with age.

But I digress.

Think of these crimes against pedaling:

Toy Motorcycle
Look Mom! No muscles! Photo: ScooterX

Or my personal pet peeve: overpriced, electric-powered, ride-on toys for kids that appeal to the status consciousness of the parents more than the developmental needs of the kids.

Licensed BMW Z4 WHITE LIMITED EDITION Ride on Toy Battery Operated Car for Kids
Who’s Daddy’s little insecure snob? Who? That’s right! | Photo Amazon.com

What they all have in common is that they carry the message,  When you grow up, you’ll never have to use your legs again!

Rather than cultivating aspirations for a motorized adulthood, the craptastic bike with the fake rear suspension  bike cultivates aspirations for a life of healthy pedaling.  It says,  When you grow up, you’ll get a better bike — maybe one with real suspension.

Here it is again:

Cheap bike with Fake Suspension Circled
And I, for one, call this progress.
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