Levi's Nerd-Repellent Commuter Jeans

Yesterday my Levi’s 511 Skinny Commuter Jeans arrived at work toward the end of the day.

Levis Commuter Don't Wash Instructions
Don't wash? Talk about catering to bike messengers.

These are the ones that have had several bike bloggers salivating.

But salivating is okay, because the Nanosphere ® technology on the fabric makes the pants drool-resistant.

I ripped open the FedEx envelope, and… the pants were khaki colored.

That’s okay. Khaki’s okay.

I ran into the bathroom to changed into them. It was difficult.

That’s okay. I’m just not used to skinny jeans.

When I managed to pull them on, I felt like I was wearing the dance tights of an 11-year-old girl — not that I know what that would feel like. They squeezed angrily at my man parts. (After yesterday’s descent into juvenile snickering, you’d think that I’d have gotten it out of my system. You’d be wrong.)

The pants were the right size. So what was wrong?

Well, before these pants ever arrived, I’d seen some of the marketing videos, which feature skinny, tattooed, cool, young people. I’m 0 for 4 there.

Simple explanation: These pants hate me.

I am nowhere to be seen in this video. I was not invited.

I tested my theory. I had my co-worker, Matt Irvine, try them on. Matt has tattoos, and rides a fixie. He’s also younger than me.

They slipped right on him like Cinderella’s slipper. Which makes me the evil stepsister in this analogy that I shall pursue no further.

So today Matt and I went and found the most graffiti-plastered object within a short walk of our office — because, you know, graffiti equals urban, and the bike industry is currently infatuated with urban.

So here he is: young, handsome, and inked:

Matt in Levis
Look! Daddy's urban!

Speaking of 11-year-old girls, Matt told me that yesterday evening, when he arrived home wearing these pants, his daughter gleamed, “Dad? Are you wearing skinny jeans? Cool!”

Here are the features of the Commuter jeans:

  • Utility waist band – specially designed for u-lock storage
  • Higher back rise – providing additional coverage when riding
  • Nanosphere ® Technology – applied to make fabric water resistant, dirt repellant, durable and protective
  • 3M Reflectivity – 3M Scotchliteâ„¢ Reflective Tape on interior cuff offers high level of visibility
  • Sanitizedâ„¢ Brand Technology – antimicrobial protection against odors
  • Reinforced Fabric – in crotch, back pockets and belt loop for durability
  • Performance Stretch Fabric – more stretchable for added mobility and comfort

I’m working on finding out if Levi’s makes an uncool version of these pants, and if they do, I’ll review them sometime in the future — and I’ll find out if “higher back rise” means, “covers your butt crack.”

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